Say Your Name Like It’s Beyonce’s

I have this inner voice. This bad ass, spunky, energizing, motivating and confident inner voice. I havent always had it. It has come and gone throughout my life. Lately it has been on the ‘gone’ side of the spectrum.

But I was watching Beyoncé music videos one day and I thought to myself, “Damn. This woman knows what the fuck is up. She looks goooood and confident as hell being exactly who she is.” So, later I was brushing my teeth and, because Im a woman and its 2017, my mind wondered what her training schedule must be like. “She probably doesnt miss a damn day of some form of training. And when you have that much money you can afford to pay someone to hold you accountable to it”….was my initial thought. Obviously, I was envious of her body and how fit, curvy and fabulous she is. Then I found my mind wondering in another direction….

I realized that no body gets her out of bed every morning but herself. And her inner voice. No one gets her to training but her. I thought, ‘when she has a bad day, she probably says to herself, “You’re mutha-fuckin-BEYONCÉ BITCH! Now get the fuck up and start acting like it.”
That’s how you get shit done. Immediately after I thought, “Fuck, I wish my name was as strong as Beyonce’s…” but that of course is a joke, right? Because my name is MINE. I realized I could wake up every morning telling myself,

“Come on, you are mutha-fuckin CAITLYN BITCH! Now get the fuck up and start acting like it.”

And you know what, it fucking works.  I dont drag myself around anywhere anymore. If I dont ‘feel’ like doing something (which is a whole other post in itself….I have a theory that we all give ourselves too many opportunities to ‘feel’ instead of just doing something)…anyways like I was saying, if I dont ‘feel’ like doing something I say to myself, “you are mutha-fucking-CAITLYN. Let’s go. Show me what you’re worth”

I am worth a whole fuck ton more than I was giving myself credit for. So, I started saying my name like it was Beyonce’s. And chances are, you dont give yourself enough credit either. So start reminding yourself of who you are and what a bad ass bitch you are. Say your name like it has VALUE and POWER. Because it DOES. You DO. Hold yourself to Beyonce’s standards. Hold yourself to the confidence and self assurance that Beyoncé must have. And dont settle for anything less than 110% from yourself.

Say you name like its F*$@ING Beyonce’s


Be The Change You Want To See In Yourself

Something we all know, but hardly understand.

If you want something to change, do something about it.  Doing nothing will not make it go away.  So, either decide that its something you love about yourself and learn to love it with genuine tenderness, or be the change that you want to see. What this change is doesnt matter. What does matter is realizing that you could spend a lifetime resenting things about yourself and being compulsively nitpicky about them and expecting them to change without any change in you.  The definition of insane is, performing the same action over and over again and expecting a different result. This insanity will manifest into a lifetime of pain.  Or, you can create change.  You can start doing the things that are going to show the results you desire.  If you don’t like your emotional state, then ask for help if you need it.  If you don’t like how unbalanced and ungrounded you feel, go to some yoga, find yourself lost in nature, and start meditating everyday. If you dont like how tired you always are, take a critical look at your conscious efforts to have a healthier sleep schedule.  Don’t eat later than 9pm, avoid social media or television, and be in bed by 11 with a motivating book. Change is never easy. That is the oldest tale in all the .  So if you want something about yourself to change then you have to FULLY embody that change.  You cant just sit back, have one to two good days and then say, “‘ah fuck it I feel better now, I dont know what I was so worried about before.”Because 2 days later when these issues come at you again, I guarantee that you are going to be right back in the same self destructive pain pattern.  

You can not run from your problems.

A change in scenery is not going to change the scenery inside of your head.

Change has got to come from within.  You problems will follow you, no matter how beautiful the places are that you seek.  It will follow you, and although you might be able to distract yourself for a little while, it will creep up the second you settle.   So, stop running. Stop resenting.  Stop resenting pieces of yourself.  Stop resenting yourself for feeling like you aren’t able to change.  And stop resenting yourself and the world around you because you haven’t seen a change.
If you find yourself in a beautiful place where nothing is the matter but you are still finding reasons to fight with yourself, then reflect on what it is that you are rejecting about yourself.  Realize that its not the need to run that is making you uncomfortable, its the stillness of the sitting.  

Before It All Made Sense

The new mile high club – Written before it all made sense 

Anyways, there’s this couple in the middle row across from me. They don’t have anyone sitting in between them. He is laying down on his side with his legs bent. She is leaning her head on his knees. It’s very sweet. It reminds me of traveling with a partner and how much more comfortable a flight can be with someone there to lean on. 

 But that’s true for life, I suppose. It’s always easier when you have someone to lean on. The problem is though, with leaning on someone- and only one someone- is that it becomes all you know how to do. Because once that someone isn’t there any longer, which they won’t be, you don’t know how to sit or stand up by yourself. It’s like you are a toddler again that hasn’t learned to walk. Regressed. 

And unless by some serious stroke of God or good fortune you get a fire cast under your ass after that someone is gone, you will probably fall. Which will suck. And jimminey crickets does it hurt. And you usually fall into the hole in which you dug for yourself. So it’s dark, and lonely, and muddy, and full of monsters, secretes, and countless fucking bad days. 

But, there is hope. Because only you hold the key. You dug the hole, and that hole is uniquely fucked up to you. You are the only one who knows the way out of it. You can read all the self help, you can listen to all the self empowerment and hear all the success stories…but that’s all those things will ever be.  Help, noise and stories. It’s on you to do the work. Learning to walk again fucking sucks. And you when you get to the top of the muddy wall you had to climb through your blood sweat and a sea of tears, it probably won’t feel like the rainbows, fireworks and bliss that you imagined it would. 

 You should, however, congratulate yourself on making it to the top. Because unfortunately, many do not. Many would rather sit in some half way, half okay, and half functional ledge they made for themselves so they are able to moderately function….you know that ledge well, you have been there, but you knew that wasn’t enough. You knew that more was out there for you, and that you deserved joy. True, pure and honest joy. You knew you deserved peace. You knew that you deserved happiness. So you kept climbing. 

 And now we are back to you making it out. Reaching the top is sort of anti climatic though, isn’t it? It is because you aren’t the same. You have experienced new lows, so you have to go out and find new highs. Because the highs you felt before are not going to do the same for you as they once did. Everything will be different. It will feel like everyone you know is looking at you different. But they aren’t. It’s you that is looking at yourself different. The people you are seeing are just a mirror. So, if the reflection staring back at you feels different, it is because it is. Accept that you are on a journey, and it will take time. It will take time to get to know yourself again. To find new highs. To find new connections. To discover parts of yourself that you only dreamed of. 

 And that is the point, isn’t it? Stepping out of that hole is the starting line. Not the finish line. It will be tempting to take yourself back to the shelter that hole once was for you. Your legs will be shakey and sometimes you might slip. But you have a responsibility to use the tools you’ve taught your bones. They know the way, and your knees will catch you. So stand back up and brush it off. You’re stronger now. It doesn’t always feel like it, I know. But the power in you is unstoppable and you’re the only one who doesn’t know it yet. 

NO ONE is going to pat you on the back for making it out of that hole. NO ONE will even notice. But you will, and that will make all of the difference. 

You can start walking forward, leaving the past behind you. Leaving the muck in the mud in the hole that once was your reality. 

And, one day you will look back at the hole and see a field. You will see a gorgeous, lush, colorful and lively field of flowers that have grown from the seeds you planted during the time you spent digging your way out. You’ll look down at your nails and remember the dirt under them. You’ll smile at what you created. How you took the deepest darkest piece of you and made it something to smile about. And you will smile, because you’ll know you found IT. You found what you knew you deserved. And you have yourself to thank for that. Along the way you learned to ask for help. You learned that it is okay to lean on those who love you, but to never expect it or to expect it all from one single person. You learned that your thoughts really do create your reality, and that positive thoughts and a positive attitude You learned that fear is a good thing and that vibes matter. Your instincts and intuition are your most valuable resources. And you learned that anything is possible. If you want a life that you can only dream of, THEN I DARE YOU TO DREAM IT. And then fucking go for it. 

 You don’t deserve a congratulations, you will never get it. But you will get what you fought for, and that is you most true, ever evolving, perpetually happy, dreamiest self full of life and adventures.

Just never forget to take the time to smell the flowers and to water your garden.