The new mile high club – Written before it all made sense
Anyways, there’s this couple in the middle row across from me. They don’t have anyone sitting in between them. He is laying down on his side with his legs bent. She is leaning her head on his knees. It’s very sweet. It reminds me of traveling with a partner and how much more comfortable a flight can be with someone there to lean on.
But that’s true for life, I suppose. It’s always easier when you have someone to lean on. The problem is though, with leaning on someone- and only one someone- is that it becomes all you know how to do. Because once that someone isn’t there any longer, which they won’t be, you don’t know how to sit or stand up by yourself. It’s like you are a toddler again that hasn’t learned to walk. Regressed.
And unless by some serious stroke of God or good fortune you get a fire cast under your ass after that someone is gone, you will probably fall. Which will suck. And jimminey crickets does it hurt. And you usually fall into the hole in which you dug for yourself. So it’s dark, and lonely, and muddy, and full of monsters, secretes, and countless fucking bad days.
But, there is hope. Because only you hold the key. You dug the hole, and that hole is uniquely fucked up to you. You are the only one who knows the way out of it. You can read all the self help, you can listen to all the self empowerment and hear all the success stories…but that’s all those things will ever be. Help, noise and stories. It’s on you to do the work. Learning to walk again fucking sucks. And you when you get to the top of the muddy wall you had to climb through your blood sweat and a sea of tears, it probably won’t feel like the rainbows, fireworks and bliss that you imagined it would.
You should, however, congratulate yourself on making it to the top. Because unfortunately, many do not. Many would rather sit in some half way, half okay, and half functional ledge they made for themselves so they are able to moderately function….you know that ledge well, you have been there, but you knew that wasn’t enough. You knew that more was out there for you, and that you deserved joy. True, pure and honest joy. You knew you deserved peace. You knew that you deserved happiness. So you kept climbing.
And now we are back to you making it out. Reaching the top is sort of anti climatic though, isn’t it? It is because you aren’t the same. You have experienced new lows, so you have to go out and find new highs. Because the highs you felt before are not going to do the same for you as they once did. Everything will be different. It will feel like everyone you know is looking at you different. But they aren’t. It’s you that is looking at yourself different. The people you are seeing are just a mirror. So, if the reflection staring back at you feels different, it is because it is. Accept that you are on a journey, and it will take time. It will take time to get to know yourself again. To find new highs. To find new connections. To discover parts of yourself that you only dreamed of.
And that is the point, isn’t it? Stepping out of that hole is the starting line. Not the finish line. It will be tempting to take yourself back to the shelter that hole once was for you. Your legs will be shakey and sometimes you might slip. But you have a responsibility to use the tools you’ve taught your bones. They know the way, and your knees will catch you. So stand back up and brush it off. You’re stronger now. It doesn’t always feel like it, I know. But the power in you is unstoppable and you’re the only one who doesn’t know it yet.
NO ONE is going to pat you on the back for making it out of that hole. NO ONE will even notice. But you will, and that will make all of the difference.
You can start walking forward, leaving the past behind you. Leaving the muck in the mud in the hole that once was your reality.
And, one day you will look back at the hole and see a field. You will see a gorgeous, lush, colorful and lively field of flowers that have grown from the seeds you planted during the time you spent digging your way out. You’ll look down at your nails and remember the dirt under them. You’ll smile at what you created. How you took the deepest darkest piece of you and made it something to smile about. And you will smile, because you’ll know you found IT. You found what you knew you deserved. And you have yourself to thank for that. Along the way you learned to ask for help. You learned that it is okay to lean on those who love you, but to never expect it or to expect it all from one single person. You learned that your thoughts really do create your reality, and that positive thoughts and a positive attitude will.change.your.life. You learned that fear is a good thing and that vibes matter. Your instincts and intuition are your most valuable resources. And you learned that anything is possible. If you want a life that you can only dream of, THEN I DARE YOU TO DREAM IT. And then fucking go for it.
You don’t deserve a congratulations, you will never get it. But you will get what you fought for, and that is you most true, ever evolving, perpetually happy, dreamiest self full of life and adventures.
Just never forget to take the time to smell the flowers and to water your garden.